Hello Followers,

I've been reflecting on my best decisions in life, and my recent decisions, and I feel that a line has been crossed. I understand I'm still young, and now a lot healthier than I ever was, but a huge part of me is gone. In more ways than one...

When I was younger I always believed 25 would be the year everything would fall into place, and all my dreams would be realized. I'd be out of college working as an architect, fully certified, and probably living somewhere far away from New England. Well 1 part was right, I got out of New England... I also believed that somewhere along those lines I would have quit with the games and found a girl that wouldn't play me for a fool, but here I am.  A few months shy of my 26th birthday, but don't get me wrong. This isn't a message on how horrible my life is, and how I'm alone and miserable. It's far from that. This is a message on how I've discovered there is no such thing as the perfect life, with the perfect girl.

I see my life as a portrait, and slowly as I go along the canvas is painting itself.  With one careful stroke at a time the final picture will some day come to light. I had a girl tell me 2 things: First was that she couldn't believe when I told her that I've lost 70lbs in the last 5 months, and 2ndly the pictures of myself from before I lost the weight, and 2nd that I was single. I was just telling my sister this same thing I told this girl. I'm not looking for a girlfriend anymore. I have absolutely given up on the search, and I've been happy. Why ruin a good thing with a whole new bag of worms?

If the girl of my dreams is out there then I'll wait for her to find me, because I've spent the last 12 years looking for her.  I've been talking to one absolutely incredible girl that lives down here, but we both work a lot of hours, and our days off rarely ever sync up. We've been on 2 dates which both went beautifully, but I sadly had to tell her that it wasn't fair to either of us right now. Until things lighten up and I have more time we're just going to have to accept that we can only be friends for now. There's one more thing I must add though, and this has really struck me to my core. I was telling a friend here about my recent events and how I've been feeling, and she told me this. "If you want to know where you heart truly is, then think of where your mind wanders when you're alone." She didn't mean for me to take this phrase the way I had taken it. She meant to try and get a laugh by thinking I'm like most men and only think about sex, but I responded to her with this "Then my heart belongs to a girl in New England."

This is a fact that I've been running away from for years...

I didn't speak to this girl for 5 years after a lot of ... let's just say "drama" happened, which caused me to make my first move to NH. After the death of my brother this girl gave me the emotional support I needed the most. The problem though is that she has a boyfriend which I know she hates. I would love to make it my business to change this situation, but because of the fact that I no longer live there I'm living by a new rule. If I really love this girl then I will do whatever I can to ensure she's happy. Even if that means just the few hours that I'm able to see her when I visit my hometown. I haven't told her how I feel, because I don't want to further complicate the relationship she is in. On top of that I don't want things between us to get complicated. I'm 100% sure she knows how I feel about her though since I have always dropped everything I was doing to be by her side when she needed me, like she did for me after my brothers passing.

I think for now the downtrodden Dez needs to focus on the now, and let the future make up it's own mind.

I've asked several people about what I should do in this situation, and I've came back with just as many different answers. My mother even asked me on the subject after I pointed out with her when she would talk about my plans for a trip back home coming up that she kept singling this girl out to make sure I made time to see, instead of just labeling her in with the rest of my friends. After pointing it out, asking why she kept singling this girl out my mother said to me "I'm your mother. I know that there's more to her than you're telling me".  She never ceases to amaze me!

Well... I think I've said too much, but I really wanted to vent some of this out, and I've always valued the opinion of my followers on here

Sincerely,

Dez

PS I'll be posting a new picture of myself on here so you guys can see the real me.